CANDY COATED MELANCHOLIES
Active: Anonymous voices yearning to be seen and heard
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE
This is the first time you’ve spun out of control. In case you’re wondering, we didn’t even win first place like we usually do. We’ve lost everything and now we’re just a......still burning pile of ashes on the track just waiting to get swept up before the next race.
SPUN OUT OF CONTROL
Like you’ve always said, you’re a cat with 22 lives and this is just the end of one of them. Life:3 *** :19. So according to the score board you should be fine. You should feel fine but you don’t. Or maybe You just don’t know how to hold on to the wheel. Control.
Maybe You grip too tight? Too much control? Maybe You should let go. You’re crashing..and .. When you decide to assess the damage you’ll go from there. You always go from there.
ON POWER AND CONTROL.
It's such a weird thing when people assume they have power over you.
It's even more disheartening that I understand this deeply.
It's a defense mechanism.
Because someone broke you and for some reason that's a tough pill to swallow.
So you chose to keep the pill in the back of your throat.
You want to swallow but all you can think about is how you always take your pills with water,
and because you don't have any,
you force yourself to believe you can toss it to the back of your very dry throat without any repercussion.
However, there is, and you knew there would be.
You go through the motions of trying to swallow,
inching the pill down your throat until you lie to yourself and say you don't feel it anymore.
But you do.
You still feel it.
You feel the remnants of the pill burning down you throat.
And the best part?
You're still broken.
You shoulda just spit the pill out.
I hate the feeling of inconsistency. You are inconsistent. It’s at times like these where it seems like we’ve been driving through this tunnel for so long. I keep wondering when is the end or is this just the beginning. I keep hoping I'll see something remarkable on the other side of this black hole. On the infamous Highway of Love. And that’s the thing. There’s more highway and more mountains with more trees that have looked the same for miles with little to slight alterations. There’s something frightening and endearing about that. Where do I turn off or do I just keep driving? All for the game of well let’s just see what’s to come. It’s hard to say because everyone is at a draw. always. Half say Love should come easy. Some say it’s not Love if you don’t have to go on the grand tour through the peaks and valleys of Love's ever changing mountains. So how do you know who’s right? Who’s telling the truth? I hate that I have blinded myself from what is ‘right’ for me. I’ve been driving with a dirty windshield and a tire that needs refilling every couple days. Yet I still wonder if I should a) continue driving or b) just say fuck it and come to a very fast but halting stop at a nearby cliff. Not quite literally. Love's just all about drive and inconsistency isn't it?
Mind on Nutrition
Man on a bike
With no money.
He Needs help,
He also knows me.
He wants to say a prayer.
he says one.
And it’s not that I think nothing.
But
No details for the people.
Because only you know before I.
The puzzle is on the floor and only you know that I’m one to pick up the pieces.
Border first. Always.
And I know you..
The pieces look like scattered cereal.
They turn like gears behind the infamous grandfather clock.
The Clock strikes 12 and its the first time I hear you.
7/2/19
Setting intentions has never been hard for me. It's the follow through. I don't know why I assume writing my intentions down will cause me to wake up the next day a perfect person. But actions are always louder than words. They always have been. So here's my first intention. Start acting on things. Start doing things I am unfamiliar with. I just need to start. Next, I'm here to learn because I am dissatisfied with all the information I currently store in my mental. I'm bored. It's like I've been playing the same song on repeat and now I'm sick and tired. New track. I need to start being honest with myself and others in terms of how I'm feeling. I've caught myself in places & feelings wondering why am I even here or how did I even allow myself to get here? I don't want to be scared of the unknown anymore. I don't want to live in the shadows of hypotheticals. I want to be able to live in a moment with purpose and reason. I want to start making. I want to excel at my job. I want to start making a name for myself. I want to be able to love. I want to feel confident.
My life seems meaningless 89% of the time. This is normally something I would tweet. Another semi-depressing statement I shoot out @ the internet and all of it's inhabitants. I've come to realize @ the end of the day this action just feeds on my always growing sadness. I'm always in search of that instant gratification. Sometimes I try to comfort myself by assuming most people feel this way/ act the same way I do. Sometimes it comforts me to think we're all fucked up?
Woke up with a hangover
But,
Not the drinking kind
Because,
I didn't even drink last night
Drunk.
Drunk off emotion.
And now?
I'm drinking peach tea from my favorite yellow mug.
Thinking.
Thinking about how these blue velvet couches are indeed the color of sex.
THINGS I DID TODAY:
I had sex today and wasn't mad about it
I confirmed, in my mind, that I love that boy
I overcame my desire to not do anything
I opened my day up to a person I have never hung out with before.
I figured shit out
I learned how to use my hard drive
I backed up AND updated my computer
Friday, June 7th
So far my day has been...well, weird. It hasn't been either good nor bad. I'm indifferent. I'm trying to decide whether or not indifference has a more positive or negative connotation. Also trying to figure out why I can't hold onto anything or even why I can't let things go. I don't know.. I guess I'm scared a lot. Scared about the delicacies and consequences of this life and more importantly my actions. I think about paths a lot and here I am 20,000 plus feet above the mountains tracing the line of the highway with my fingertip against the glass. I've never loved the mountains but they are stunning from up here. It's the paths. I'm telling you. The amount of mystery destinations that are just waiting to be stumbled upon. For only you to find as you stumble and fall down your winding path.